I’ve heard and often thought that happiness and sadness are both two sides of a single coin. One only exists because of the other. The drop of a coin has the power to sway emotions and fool logic. At times in our lives, elements of luck and chance have a louder presence in our minds than our souls and our hearts. Heads or tails — win or lose. Happiness or Sadness.

But this is only one mindset.

I’d like to share a new view on the coin. No longer is it split by side, the coin itself is both happiness AND sadness. Whether its heads or tails, happiness exists beside sadness. Sadness exists besides happiness.

I find that some of the more emotionally painful moments of my life have been from a faulty mindset. When something good happens, I become happy. I am happiness. With time, it fades. Soon to be replaced with an emptiness or unknown expression of discontent. But I was just happy? I have no right to be sad. So I tell myself, “I am happy”. Even though I know its a lie. So I wear that mask that says to the world, “I’m still emotionally stable. See! Look at me be normal and smile!”. The hardest part of the day was always when I got home and had time to remove my imaginary mask. It was like an emotional hangover, where the more I faked being happy, the worse I’d feel from it all.  It was clearly an unhealthy mindset.

Back then, I didn’t allow happiness and sadness to coexist in my heart. I was afraid of sharing issues with people, so I kept it in and smiled. Yet now, I feel different. I feel both overjoyed to have the moment to write this but equally pained by the fact that Ben won’t be able to read this. I exist with all of my happiness and all of my sadness in this moment.

No matter how the coin falls, I know where I’ll stand.