Why Run?

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To let every breath, every tip-tap step
guide Calm mindset’s return, raise it back from these sunken depths
of hate, self doubt, and sleep-blocking regrets
as this anxiety seems to pile on
with every news cycle of constant scandal and death
an obese body paying off impulsive debts
topped off with a cherry of romantic stress
so let me tune into a different song,
as I embrace each heartbeat’s attempt to dislodge hardened apathy
and revive common sense to place love over hate
self disdain off the plate
as I try a bit of kindness,
all while anxieties resurface from the darkness, now back to haunt me
revived bad habits that used to be
perfect storm of poor mental health’s return, looking mockingly
you see, I thought I made it past my past
past the last point of view, a grey lens overcast to block my view
dark and cold cocoon as I simply withdrew into not caring about me nor you
I thought that since I once flew, these battles were over, the struggle could not renew
yet that’s furthest from the truth
personal growth comes in waves
in up, down, sideways ways, sometimes sideways days
but that doesn’t mean I can stop running during the downswing phase
it’s this very moment when self discipline takes center stage
where auto-pilot is deliberate, tuned in and mindful
that’s where I find my long lost change

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Photo by Francesco Gallarotti on Unsplash

Feeling Progress

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my heaviest weight dragged me down
two hundred sixty pounds of obese mounds
when three flights of steps got me more out of breath
than right now, after running a seven mile stretch
a new personal best as my body adapts
to healthy decisions, these carefully placed bets
choosing to live with a dash of common sense
that food could never prevent anxiety
escape in consumption could never fix a mental mess
it was all just temporary relief
until putting this fight to rest
and instead of self shame and self hate
I turned to love and physical activity
mindfulness, meditation, and resistance to the apathy
when realizing all the change I needed
so I started singing along, moving my body to song after song
letting music guide me forward, letting melody make me strong
as I transform fat-borne stretch marks into tiger stripes
this fleshy reminder of all the times I lived wrong


Photo by Dev Dodia on Unsplash

Addict

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You had a good moment
when you spoke from the heart
but now obsess over Insta posts
when this was only just the start
you gotta keep moving, keep creating art
as the next part is here, there’s a fresh page to mark

So why do you keep coming back?
grabbing your phone, checking that app
for a dopamine drip, then once you quit
you reopen for just a quick hit
was it worth it? did it feel rewarding?
to see that red heart while your world is still burning
reopen reopen while always just hoping
to feel loved again, to wake out of mourning

You see, now is the time to act
time spent only looking back is a mistake left for the past
as your mobile phone lulls you in a haze of depressed paths
you can still change course and recall this correlation exists
the more time you spend on social media
the more life you tend to miss
the more love you tend to pass


Photo by rawpixel.com on Unsplash

A New Life’s Resolution

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Step step step, right to this next breath
dive straight into the air, take in these windy depths
of fresh oxygen to cleanse your hidden skin
washing off the hate, not letting it fester again
because you know how it goes
how hate hides and it grows, until you look in the mirror
just to see how your body’s been thrown
into a painful mold of broken dreams with wishes postponed
so take a deep breath and recall these lessons in your bones

For one, self love never meant accepting everything as it is
as that’s resignation and denial of the ways choices build up and how they spiral
you have to drag yourself out of troughs
using consistency and discipline all while the motivation stalls
and you know you could never outrun your fork
so let go of your phone and focus on what’s there to explore instead of mindlessly eating as soon as you get bored
remembering no black mirror will bring the ocean breeze to your door

Second, you must recognize mental health is always a piece of the puzzle
and weight loss alone won’t be the sole answer
it’s wholistic life changes of a journey over time
this is not a path of instant gratification
no cellular notification to give you a body feeling fine
without obesity’s ailments and this self-combative mind
so let go of the idea that binging is sublime

Third and lastly, you can become the change you envision
transforming heartbreaking days only spent wishing
into those of bravery, committed to these life changing decisions
so keep practicing states of flow
living for moments when a perfect musical note
strikes your bones and shakes your soul
inspiring you to move, your catalyst to grow


Photo by me 🙂

He knows

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A lone soul walks ahead
without feeling alone
without anxiety — without dread
for in his heart and in his head
rest fragments of lives he’s led
impressions from lives he’s met

And he knows, yes he knows
not to let these memories go
his evidence of growth from changes both fast and slow

As mindsets are finicky
mental trains derailing too frequently
his monkey mind a restless thing
turned to jealousy so desperately
then gluttony to placate anxiety
yet he knows of his fallacies
that binge eating could never replace balancing
but now all he sees are stretch mark scenes
from overstretched belly seams of a self-hate pregnancy

And he knows self loathing isn’t how it has to be
nothing has to be, minds change through neuroplasticity
with the ability to forge and strengthen mental pathways
which value gratitude over consumption
not letting overconsumption invite a mindless haze of self doubt
of feeling stuck and alone in a maze of mental clouds
no, he knows now to let mindfulness grow
pausing for a moment to simply breathe and take it slow


Photo by Afonso Coutinho on Unsplash

Calm

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Breathe in slow to let calm flow
Then without pressure, exhale in tow
Now breathe in slow to let it show you
All the ways in which we grow through
Breathing in calm, like all along
Your heartbeat beats to the drum of this song
As feet meet music in melody
A bridge between the blood we pump and the air we
Breathe


Photo by Ian Keefe on Unsplash

Next Steps

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Listen up as this is what’s happening now
You’re gonna take a seat and then write it out
All about the feels when you’re drowning out the shouting doubts
With the flip side, light tide, Sun-drum beat to fight away
Mentalities that choose to run and hide away
Instead you’ll choose to face how you feel today
No more anxiety idly churned to disarray

I know you’re scared enough to feel afraid to act
But you need to turn back
Don’t be long, just make it fast
To make it back on track towards recovery road’s path,
And pass by old perspectives only ever stuck in the past
Of yesterday, the love that grows and fades
Against the rising hate of fate to make or break
Procrastinated dreams of late
’n dissipate the tension against falling into flow
Taking deep breaths in, calm and slow
Remember, remember, how you’re not alone
Time and again, look how you’ve flown
Only soared past a thrown stone ‘cause of help from an other
Now rediscover love, like lightning and thunder
Motion picture wonder
Where the energy is found in next steps
No longer complicity aiding the morbidity statistics of chosen obesity
Heartbreaking tendencies
No, fuck that
You’ll welcome back the healthy math
Where emotional coping no longer equates to getting fat


Photographer: Mantas Hesthaven