Snapping Out of It

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Recording time lapses just to rewatch the time pass
With a different perspective
Velocity of mental recognition found in configurable frames per second
Processing minutes like seconds, hours like minutes
Months like days as if I’ve lost my ways to live in a moment
Lost my ways to honor this heartbeat, now facing a fresh defeat
Yet instead of giving up, I can own it
I can grow yet, throw self hate out the window in a fourth quarter comeback to find the next path, a new angle to move past
Internal walls which only aim to block my progress while deepening my falls
These voices that say

Stop, you can’t succeed
Just stop and be freed from the torment of breathing for dreams
But never getting there
You’ll soon be dead, so why all the fuss?
Slow, slow, slow it down, just get off the bus
Just kill yourself the slow way, binge eat to avoid your fate
Stay in your seat and feel the atrophy take
Let your muscles deteriorate and stay apathetic to your current state
And deflate your hopes and desires, simply accept this is the way to expire

To them I say,

Calm your mind and ease your thoughts because it’s okay to rest
Cause it’s okay to catch your breath
Then once you get it back move onto what’s next
Take an action, make a change, don’t stay frozen and stuck
And recognize that it’s strange to not have something worth dancing for
Worth fighting for
So dream, then build to life what your heart beats for, this is what your heartbeat’s for
To allocate more attention towards the stories of growth n evolution
Averting limited gaze from tempting illusions hoping to catch you in a haze
Get you mentally stuck in this inhibited phase
Where you rest a bit too long
Stuck replaying the same old song when you need to move on and let go
Onto to the next stage of life, let’s move on and flow like butterflies in flight
Flying through the breeze against all the wind’s might
And despite the current’s strength, always finding trust in the gravity of gratitude
The way love can reshape your body and attitude
Cause you’re still borderline morbidly obese and the weight still drags you down
As you drown in escaping the feud in your now
With smiles in consistency opposed to the apathy in frowns


Photo by Bryan Minear on Unsplash

Sober Days

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I let myself walk a little too slow, I let it all go
Internal inferno left to simmer on a low heat
Should have foreseen that staying stuck in comforting scenes
Would leave me struggling to feel excitement without these chemicals
Mind bending trails of fabricated journeys
Always yearning yet never learning, no growth, just time churning
Nothing but injustice to all this fire burning in personal wasteland

It’s time to face it, fam
I can be stronger than what I am today
Choices differing in a sober step toward
Reigning in recklessness paying it forward to my future self
An alley-oop to setup better mental health
Now that things are in the right perspective
Lessons present, proof that every time I committed to growth, I truly meant it
With this new chance to embrace moderation and craft these dreams in development


Photo by Joshua Earle

Day One, Again

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Day one on this road to rebirth
phoenix style, revived while this heart pumps infinite platelets
red discs with all the oxygen needed for me to exist
and resist once more against falling to depravity
ya know, it’s tiring to endlessly struggle against this anxiety
of knowing I’ll die then choose to stay living in pursuit of growth and changing
yet I see the news, and it’s breaking, always breaking
breaking my heart as I no longer know how to react or where to start
while all I do is continue to watch other lives fall apart
and I play the part of a hypocrite with pleasant words on the tongue
yet no action to mirror it, just nihilism in development
hellbent on letting past failures dictate current mindsets and perspectives

To me, I say:

You need to drop it
drop the sunk cost fallacy stopping you from change
don’t let that be, don’t let it be, it’s just a bias in your brain
let it go, you can drop this disdain for your past self, it’s just an image in your brain
just a passing phase before finally thinking sane
so what, you know, we’ve all made mistakes
it’s still alright, despite the outtakes so long as you never forget all at stake
never forget the love in your life and your chance to make something new
contribute to a perspective, conjure up a view
a different kind of pointed lens to shape the world’s affect on you

And let you grow like roses back in bloom
when not so long ago, we watched their doom,
wilted dead, no way to consume, no room for solar energy
you see, I cycle like this
I grow and then I bleed
fail to grasp, fail to heed to past lessons of the younger me
as if it were so easy to live and forget
refusing memories just to beget more mental hemorrhaging

Now I think back of Grandpa and miss telling him all this life I saw
how I can’t grapple with the religion I was raised with
because it just doesn’t make sense to me
even though my father continues to sometimes sing and preach

And then I remembered the connection between us was never about God
but this vibration, this musical sensation of sounds rising into chorus to higher elevations, serotonin sensations
as the unity of you and me all comes together in the sound waves, symphonic space
displacing this silent haze of our hours turning into days
with all these ancient ways encouraging a connective phase
what if there were a simpler way
more direct with less prophetic indiscretions, less corrupt intentions
cause most of organized religion I see seems to lack balance consistently
now I don’t mean to tread on what you believe, this is simply my perspective
how I feel and perceive what’s in front of me
I see galaxies so vast and free
impossibly deterministic, unpredictably mystically
unfathomably filled with dynamic trees all branching into these separate ideas and pieces of existence
and if I don’t stop to breathe, I’m sure to miss this chance to get up again
live and love again to build these dreams again

Photographer: Steve Halama

Next Steps

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Listen up as this is what’s happening now
You’re gonna take a seat and then write it out
All about the feels when you’re drowning out the shouting doubts
With the flip side, light tide, Sun-drum beat to fight away
Mentalities that choose to run and hide away
Instead you’ll choose to face how you feel today
No more anxiety idly churned to disarray

I know you’re scared enough to feel afraid to act
But you need to turn back
Don’t be long, just make it fast
To make it back on track towards recovery road’s path,
And pass by old perspectives only ever stuck in the past
Of yesterday, the love that grows and fades
Against the rising hate of fate to make or break
Procrastinated dreams of late
’n dissipate the tension against falling into flow
Taking deep breaths in, calm and slow
Remember, remember, how you’re not alone
Time and again, look how you’ve flown
Only soared past a thrown stone ‘cause of help from an other
Now rediscover love, like lightning and thunder
Motion picture wonder
Where the energy is found in next steps
No longer complicity aiding the morbidity statistics of chosen obesity
Heartbreaking tendencies
No, fuck that
You’ll welcome back the healthy math
Where emotional coping no longer equates to getting fat


Photographer: Mantas Hesthaven

Mental Pivot

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When your momentum halts
Come to me

When optimism fades to darkest despair
Reach out to me

When it hurts too much to bear past mistakes
You pick up that damn phone
And you talk to me

I’m right here, it’s my turn to help you breathe
To feel relieved, this love in motion to fill your need
Cause time’s run out, new patience must be freed from
Anxiety to atrophy, disaster trees bashing the masterpiece
Swing me down and pass the reasons to believe
In defeating low self-esteem
Dream up new ways of being, cause you’re stronger than you’re seeing
Mind out of focus, shift to freeing from self torment
A life abhorrent to have air in your lungs, yet hate in your veins
Shift to a change of pace, add some love to that look on your face
As you make haste to displace these rotten fates
Trajectories of pain which only serve to make waste
But it’s not too late, even though we both see the diabolical rate
Of self-destruction
Mentalities in flux when impulse dictates the next act
In need of discipline to strengthen back your consistency
It’s no mystery, just repeated history
This one-two step towards dreams of your visioning


Photographer: Seth Willingham

Gravebook

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How often do dead bodies fill up my newsfeed
As I feed on news substituting my views
With antiquated rules where we forget to let love grow
Forget that this garden is ours to sow
Yet instead trample on opportunity
We kill our own community
Behind constructed immunity through conjured excuses
Now with bullets instead of nooses

As we’re too afraid to embrace one another
Based on a color
As if pigmentation is reason to smother this chance of a new day
A chance to say it’ll be okay

Yeah, we fucked up and made so many mistakes
But today we can choose to overcome our hates
In attempt to become more than what we were
To finally stir up a sense of love over darkness
Sharing bliss
Not in loneliness, but finally together as we weather the storms
Whether for better or worst we all deserve this chance to live


Photographer: Greg Ortega

Direction

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This is called the upswing
A rare chance to bring a sense of calm to a chaotic mind
A chance to bring action to the forefront of delayed decisions
Procrastinated visions
Dreams once cherished, now left in stitches
Thoughts perished and wishes diminished in Death’s rope
Now nearly too late for hope as time keeps trotting ahead

Now presented a choice to either bring light to what’s in my head
Or choose to lose dreams in the nighttime
Tell people it’s all fine
But once I face myself in some sunlight
The pain comes back with twice the fight

But alas, it’s all alright since I’m here now
Gratitude aware as power grows on the daily
With perhaps a chance to save me
Before falling back into darkness with the strongest fear
That bliss was missed
That I saw Love, then kissed it goodbye


Photographer: Jens Lelie