Snapping Out of It

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Recording time lapses just to rewatch the time pass
With a different perspective
Velocity of mental recognition found in configurable frames per second
Processing minutes like seconds, hours like minutes
Months like days as if I’ve lost my ways to live in a moment
Lost my ways to honor this heartbeat, now facing a fresh defeat
Yet instead of giving up, I can own it
I can grow yet, throw self hate out the window in a fourth quarter comeback to find the next path, a new angle to move past
Internal walls which only aim to block my progress while deepening my falls
These voices that say

Stop, you can’t succeed
Just stop and be freed from the torment of breathing for dreams
But never getting there
You’ll soon be dead, so why all the fuss?
Slow, slow, slow it down, just get off the bus
Just kill yourself the slow way, binge eat to avoid your fate
Stay in your seat and feel the atrophy take
Let your muscles deteriorate and stay apathetic to your current state
And deflate your hopes and desires, simply accept this is the way to expire

To them I say,

Calm your mind and ease your thoughts because it’s okay to rest
Cause it’s okay to catch your breath
Then once you get it back move onto what’s next
Take an action, make a change, don’t stay frozen and stuck
And recognize that it’s strange to not have something worth dancing for
Worth fighting for
So dream, then build to life what your heart beats for, this is what your heartbeat’s for
To allocate more attention towards the stories of growth n evolution
Averting limited gaze from tempting illusions hoping to catch you in a haze
Get you mentally stuck in this inhibited phase
Where you rest a bit too long
Stuck replaying the same old song when you need to move on and let go
Onto to the next stage of life, let’s move on and flow like butterflies in flight
Flying through the breeze against all the wind’s might
And despite the current’s strength, always finding trust in the gravity of gratitude
The way love can reshape your body and attitude
Cause you’re still borderline morbidly obese and the weight still drags you down
As you drown in escaping the feud in your now
With smiles in consistency opposed to the apathy in frowns


Photo by Bryan Minear on Unsplash

Day One, Again

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Day one on this road to rebirth
phoenix style, revived while this heart pumps infinite platelets
red discs with all the oxygen needed for me to exist
and resist once more against falling to depravity
ya know, it’s tiring to endlessly struggle against this anxiety
of knowing I’ll die then choose to stay living in pursuit of growth and changing
yet I see the news, and it’s breaking, always breaking
breaking my heart as I no longer know how to react or where to start
while all I do is continue to watch other lives fall apart
and I play the part of a hypocrite with pleasant words on the tongue
yet no action to mirror it, just nihilism in development
hellbent on letting past failures dictate current mindsets and perspectives

To me, I say:

You need to drop it
drop the sunk cost fallacy stopping you from change
don’t let that be, don’t let it be, it’s just a bias in your brain
let it go, you can drop this disdain for your past self, it’s just an image in your brain
just a passing phase before finally thinking sane
so what, you know, we’ve all made mistakes
it’s still alright, despite the outtakes so long as you never forget all at stake
never forget the love in your life and your chance to make something new
contribute to a perspective, conjure up a view
a different kind of pointed lens to shape the world’s affect on you

And let you grow like roses back in bloom
when not so long ago, we watched their doom,
wilted dead, no way to consume, no room for solar energy
you see, I cycle like this
I grow and then I bleed
fail to grasp, fail to heed to past lessons of the younger me
as if it were so easy to live and forget
refusing memories just to beget more mental hemorrhaging

Now I think back of Grandpa and miss telling him all this life I saw
how I can’t grapple with the religion I was raised with
because it just doesn’t make sense to me
even though my father continues to sometimes sing and preach

And then I remembered the connection between us was never about God
but this vibration, this musical sensation of sounds rising into chorus to higher elevations, serotonin sensations
as the unity of you and me all comes together in the sound waves, symphonic space
displacing this silent haze of our hours turning into days
with all these ancient ways encouraging a connective phase
what if there were a simpler way
more direct with less prophetic indiscretions, less corrupt intentions
cause most of organized religion I see seems to lack balance consistently
now I don’t mean to tread on what you believe, this is simply my perspective
how I feel and perceive what’s in front of me
I see galaxies so vast and free
impossibly deterministic, unpredictably mystically
unfathomably filled with dynamic trees all branching into these separate ideas and pieces of existence
and if I don’t stop to breathe, I’m sure to miss this chance to get up again
live and love again to build these dreams again

Photographer: Steve Halama

Next Steps

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Listen up as this is what’s happening now
You’re gonna take a seat and then write it out
All about the feels when you’re drowning out the shouting doubts
With the flip side, light tide, Sun-drum beat to fight away
Mentalities that choose to run and hide away
Instead you’ll choose to face how you feel today
No more anxiety idly churned to disarray

I know you’re scared enough to feel afraid to act
But you need to turn back
Don’t be long, just make it fast
To make it back on track towards recovery road’s path,
And pass by old perspectives only ever stuck in the past
Of yesterday, the love that grows and fades
Against the rising hate of fate to make or break
Procrastinated dreams of late
’n dissipate the tension against falling into flow
Taking deep breaths in, calm and slow
Remember, remember, how you’re not alone
Time and again, look how you’ve flown
Only soared past a thrown stone ‘cause of help from an other
Now rediscover love, like lightning and thunder
Motion picture wonder
Where the energy is found in next steps
No longer complicity aiding the morbidity statistics of chosen obesity
Heartbreaking tendencies
No, fuck that
You’ll welcome back the healthy math
Where emotional coping no longer equates to getting fat


Photographer: Mantas Hesthaven

Mental Pivot

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When your momentum halts
Come to me

When optimism fades to darkest despair
Reach out to me

When it hurts too much to bear past mistakes
You pick up that damn phone
And you talk to me

I’m right here, it’s my turn to help you breathe
To feel relieved, this love in motion to fill your need
Cause time’s run out, new patience must be freed from
Anxiety to atrophy, disaster trees bashing the masterpiece
Swing me down and pass the reasons to believe
In defeating low self-esteem
Dream up new ways of being, cause you’re stronger than you’re seeing
Mind out of focus, shift to freeing from self torment
A life abhorrent to have air in your lungs, yet hate in your veins
Shift to a change of pace, add some love to that look on your face
As you make haste to displace these rotten fates
Trajectories of pain which only serve to make waste
But it’s not too late, even though we both see the diabolical rate
Of self-destruction
Mentalities in flux when impulse dictates the next act
In need of discipline to strengthen back your consistency
It’s no mystery, just repeated history
This one-two step towards dreams of your visioning


Photographer: Seth Willingham

Nice to Hear From You Again

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Your freshest album plays a reinvention of music
Recreation of momentary self expression
Absorbed in flow, this continuous show
To grow every dream like blades of grass tipped in frosted snow
Seasonal depression, no longer in tow
I remember now these feelings I used to know

Welcome
Welcome once more melody over tragedy
Footsteps on the path to be, taking me from land to sea
Naivety of crafting dreams
As I’m no longer passing these opportunities to live and breathe
Deep breath in, then relieve, shift in focus how to perceive
Life, death, and the time between


Photographer: James Pond

Refocus

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Lose your mind falling into music
Lose anxiety moving towards fusing heartbeat with melody
Start your feet, step to me, melt into ecstasy, fantasy
A last chance for us to see, to freely breathe
No time to disagree
Only this moment to sing-believe in dreams ’n’ destiny
Before death gets to me, the restful sleep
A return to the start before I ever had a heart
Beat beat, heart heart beat beat, heart heart beat beat
Before I ever ever had a heart beat beat
To the drum beat repeat ’til I’m six feet deep sleep
Mistakes heaped up, mountains

Now facing days wasted
Mirror’s displacement replaced with staring at cold ground
Stuck on basic questions only ever found in insecurity
Back slump, chin down, emotional posture hurting me
You can see definitively the painful end of apathy
From lazy days to suddenly singing new perspectives
Ideas, viewpoints ’n’ lenses
No longer stuck behind a heart’s defenses
Self induced dimensions of distance
As if love were a business and I declared bankruptcy

This last Tuesday I had the amazing opportunity to see Mako perform their debut album, Hourglass. During the show, I thought about what music meant to me and now I wrote something to express it.

Current favorite song is Craziest Day I Ever Had

Photographer: Me at a Land’s End sunset a couple weeks ago.

Growing Pains

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Past self, fake wealth
Transform in stealth of night to join the hero’s fight
No fright in the new day
Blocked out dismay
Disarray, dreams frayed
Love fade, an empty face, this empty space
Disgraceful reflections

Shame
Shame
Shame

No, stop that self blaming
No, I’m not claiming you’re good yet
But breathe that next breath
Take that next step
Cause you ain’t done yet

So why did you put dreams on pause
Why are you scared of love
Why
Why
Why do you hesitate
Do you spoil fate
Why do you throw it all away

What happened to the music
The flow you pledged to never lose
In between momentous orange slices of time
Where did you put your shine
You know you can’t rewind
So stop pretending to live blind
Behind past glory, the fast story
Bloom at night, then decay in the morning
Now heed the storm’s warning

With a heart worn on your sleeve
Prepare to feel torn
To mourn conclusions
Thread’s colorful illusions
All the while choosing
A life of love fueled by the music
Ocean’s waves fused with your musing


Photographer: Tim Marshall