yet, not yet on death’s bed
as if there is still time left to turn around
this lost plane heading straight for ground
gone missing is my sanity now
every other day flipping between joy and dismay
emotions too easily swayed from impulsive connections
yet right here are momentary reflections
It’s been too long since I wrote a new lesson
my latest lesson
as this open book confessing is most always
marking what I need to see
eyesight 20/20 while my heart beats blurry
one step from dying
time swept away without trying
as lonely nights grow colder
as my heart ages ever older
as if I could smolder passion for the sake of comfort
Pretending to be awake before my final slumber
Photographer: Greg Rakozy
Luckily, it’s not very hard — I’m doing it right now! Each second passes with a rhythm of fingertips tapping these keys. Fingers wiggling as they transcribe one thought to the next, processing each one into a series of characters. In this moment, I am creating something new. Constructing a universe from the reaction of my mind on blank paper.
Who knows where these words will lead me? For one, I rarely do. I rarely know what the next line will be before completing the sentence I’m already on. Sure, sometimes I come up with lines out of sequence. Yet even then, it becomes an experiment in finding the link between two impactful components. How can I arrange these words such that it evokes emotion in my heart? What would reach me?
And then I answer. I speak from the perspective not of one wishing to be saved, but of the one who is saving. I write the advice that I’ve always been looking for. Because, it makes sense. I remember the most important thing: that all my hesitation to act has been caused from an illusion in how I view my own mind. It is because at times, I envision myself to be someone who wants to be a writer. Instead of simply being a writer. I unwittingly distance my cognitive perception of my own self through replacing I am a with I want to be a.
I dream of what it means to be a successful writer:
- Publish books
- Have consistent blog posts
- Write every day
- People who want signed books
Then I think of myself:
- No books
- Inconsistent writing posts
- In the last 6 months, I’ve written long-form like this less than 15 times.
- No books to sign
And at this point, I start producing the thought: I am not a writer. Once on the scene, this thought sparks a mental struggle which needs only but one distraction to be placated. In fact, I was just on Facebook for ~15 minutes since writing the last line. It’s uncomfortable for a mind to feel itself divided. So much so the next option is to just think of something else.
Often that something else is not writing! It’s browsing the internet, watching shows and movies, or playing video games. Then 6 months go by and bam! I’m no longer a writer. Through wanting to become a writer, I further push myself away from it. The solution instead, is to simply write. There is no want, there is no desire other than the impulse to write. To create a string of words able to convey something worth sharing. A melody of symbols. A moment both to reflect and to stumble across something new.
This number is evidence of fighting through laziness.
I started this blog 3 years ago (11/17/2011). Only recently I’ve been able to feel people’s responses to my writing. Until 6 months ago I had 30 followers. Heck, I even had a ZERO-view month once.
Today, we have Two-Hundred and Fifty awesome people who have opted in to join the (no longer) internal conversation of my mind.
To those that have liked posts or commented, I do recognize your profiles. And every time I see one return for the second, third, fourth, or tenth time, I feel this insanely happy feeling.
WOW, that person cares about what I’m writing 🙂
Linguistical resonation had just taken place
In this moment, this single space
Someone else in the World could trace my trajectory
My mental imagery, trying to view life from a new perspective
Looking through our Universe, searching for directive
To the first 250 and beyond:
Thank you for reading
Thank you for writing
Thank you for liking
Often it’s the inspiration
That overcomes waning motivation,
It’s something outside that
Keeps me from wasting
Yet time still waiting
For the energy to move,
To be able to choose
Still afraid to act
As if there’s something left to lose,
Let me stop for a moment,
this isn’t just about the blues,
When you can see
All the fresh green
Of swaying trees
The sweetest breeze
As if life itself is peace at ease,
All our wants
And all our needs
So long as we breathe.
So make the most of it
Dont fall and quit
On your heart
The moment it tears apart
Loss is coming and it’s going to pack a punch
Death is around the corner, this isn’t just a hunch
Wake up – Now is the time to wake up!
Emotions are coming and you need to be strong
Enough to embrace them
Enough to move on
But never forgetting
That the dead live on
So long as you remember
To continue their song
Cause in life we are a combination of these two things
A self that experiences and a self that thinks
We are the sum of our total experiences
With a capacity of our human awareness
When the time comes when we pass this
The only loss is the continuous additiveness
To our own take on lifes experiences
Storing shared moments
Of a fleeting bliss
Sprinkled with bits of painfulness
Yet look at all the togetherness
Envision the people that led to this
See this world as a communal wish
To grasp this ideal of happiness
From them a lesson not to miss
That in the end,
Gratitude is the answer to anguish